No Pig Deal – Oxfords No.1 Premier Livestock Escort Agency ‘Trollops With Trotters’

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/james-dann/no-pig-deal-oxfords-no1-p_b_8171750.html

The UK’s most Primed Minister allegedly handed over 2.5 million in UK Tax Payers money to ‘silence’ hoofed residents of Billows Farm, Oxford.

C.E.O(ffal) of Billows Farm, Dr Allan Sanders boastfully admits to once running Oxfords No.1 premier livestock escort agency ‘Trollops with Trotters’.

“Our overnight swine experience ‘Pigs in Blankets’ was one of our specialities. Our prison role play scenario ‘Lamb Shank’ was also quite popular”

“We had bullying rituals such as ‘Roastings’ in which members of the cabinet would recall funny and embarrassing moments of the animals life. I recall one time the Education Minister brashly retelling a drunken jacuzzi breaking incident in Budapest that involved the Exchequer , Foreign Secretary and a Mongolian Tree Goat. The goat took it in it’s stride but you could tell under all that fur and the sunglasses that he was blushing like a school girl”

Allan claims that during their ‘peak seasons’ often around stressful exam periods, the farm often had to import livestock from the Far East and “Those sort of Russian parts” of Europe. The livestock were promised better wages, feed and accommodation, however when they arrived the reality was far worse than the brochures led them to believe.

Allan lays on the Chez Lounge. His chipper tone turns somber and melancholy reeks from his pores.

“It was my job to go down to the Oxford Docks (Dox) each night and wrangle the new talent. Most of them wanted to be actresses or become famous singers. One Shetland pony had run away from her family and dreamed of being in the West End. I remember an Al Pacca that spent 7 years as a waitress and now wanted to make it big, she thought this was her ticket to stardom”

Allan looks away, miming smoking a cigarette (He gave up 2 weeks prior to the interview, but needs to do something with his hands).

“It all got really sad, and in all honesty, a bit weird.”

The agency closed shortly after animal rights activists caught wind of the hoofed harletry. Dr Allan had 3 points put on his farming license and to this day is not allowed within 40 feet of anything on four legs. This includes work men fitting a new draining system or catching a last minute performance of Cats.

Advertisements