D.I.Why?: Reggae Replaced With Audio-Books at Notting Hill Carnival

Sunday nights King Tubby has now been replaced by The Paul McKenna Sound System which will offer a 2 hour bass heavy audio-guide on weight loss improvement. The Carnival will also host Pi ‘n’ I, toasted by poetical activist Carol-Anne Duffy. This will feature a pre-recorded panel discussion and analysis of the grammatical structure behind the Life of Pi, and will be looped until 4.20am with the volume rising 15 decibels at the stroke of each hour.

George Brooks, who schlepped all the way from his summer capsule in Wakefield, said he is “Shocked and gutted [much like an eel] that there is absolutely no music to be heard throughout the festival.”

“All I’ve skanked to for the last few hours is a Pete Waterman audio book on steam trains. The only ‘drop’ is when you hear the train whistle blow but even then you’ve got to wade through 40 minutes of track-talk.”

George sits down, picks up a stick and begins to lazily make patterns in the dirt. A ‘chug chug chug’ can be heard from the sound system, which causes a 2 second frenzied outburst of dancing within the crowd. Police intercept immediately and the piercing buzz of tasers echoes throughout the carnival. Those with their eyes closed loyally bop their heads, enjoying what they assume is a minimal Skrillex set.

“It’s all really misleading” Groans George, mid head-rub.

“The Jamaican Vibrations tent is just an interview with the first woman to open an Anne Summers in the Caribbean. The Lions Den is an Attenborough documentary on the Savannah and the Rocksteady tent is a 3 hour guide to balancing pebbles on top of each other to get a zen-like garden. And it’s in Japanese.”

George looks around, noticing night has fallen.

“The only salsa I’ve heard is someone dipping a Dorito into a jar. And that was quickly followed by a light tasering from the old bill. Someone dared to bang a drum earlier and was met by two-thousand people synchronised “Shh!-‘ing” to catch the end of ‘A Brief History of Rome.’”

Those who are foolish enough to try and re-claim the spirit of the carnival have been subject to further punishment. At 2.30 this afternoon a young man was heard shouting “Rewind!” at HammerSmith sound system. This caused the i-rated group to start their entire set again, forcing the audience to endure another round of ‘Obtaining Permission to Build A Conservatory 4’, directors cut.

This new wave of festival is taking hold across the country. Reading Festival 2016 is to replace all headline bands with Avon Representatives, who will display how to get the most out of their mascara to crowds of 200,000 strong. As well as Glastonbury who have now decided that music is the lowest form of entertainment, and will be substituting all acts for cooking tutorials. The Pyramid stage will now solely host a range of Middle Eastern chefs, as well as the Secret Garden Party being made into a rural grape foraging experience.

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