PETA Demands All Animals Must Change Names or ‘Face The Consequences’

Wildlife bigger-uppers PETA are on a late May crusade to change the names a large majority of animals. With experts claiming that their names conjure up mental images of low grade pubs, open mouthed leering and incurable rowdiness. 

On the latest episode of hidden Catholic Camera show *’Bugged Booth!’, Professor Mikal Steves, head dermatologist at PETAs fine art institute, confined:

“It crumbles me how publicly stubborn these creatures are. Earlier I spent the best part of an hour engaging in a heated Skype conference with Norman Bates, a local garden vole and from what I gather some what of an activist in his community. I argued with him for some time and still he didn’t seem to grasp the gravitas of how fundamentally flawed his identity is. On average my upbeat evangelical preaching has a 78% success rate on rodents. However I think that my WIFI connection, or possibly Norman’s defence, was weak; as when I started getting personal (his sister suffers from class C Apathy) he pathetically turned his head quickly and ran away. Luckily I put a microchip in the b*st*rd so it can run all it wants! Run and nibble, run and nibble! You can hide and you can wiggle, but I’ll be on your tail you flashbang pickle!”

[There is a 6 minute interval here where Mikal is laughing hysterically to himself. Most of this laughter is in piercing silence, and only heavy breathing and the occasional slap on the knee can be heard. This then descends into heavy bouts weeping.

“I haven’t seen my wife for two days… there’s spots of blood on my feet that… aren’t mine.”

[Mikal leaves to get some water and exhales deeply out of the window. He returns moments later with his prayer beads. So worn are the beads that they resemble gravy granules tied together on dental floss. He composts himself]

“With horticultural advancements in laser eye surgery, we can now visualise, and even write, names such as horse, shrimp and pigeon. Something which 200 years ago would have seemed implausible. However, these names are so vile that you can’t help but feel an overwhelming urge to slip on a duffel coat in the heat of summer and shuffle solemnly towards the nearest Wetherspoons. Boasting a broken Walkman in a Sainsbury’s carrier bag and headphones that everyone can see are connected to a crumpled juice box in your side pocket”

PETA has a track record of taking ideas too seriously. Most notably In 2002, when PETA’s head accountant Jacob Maar was watching Loose Women and Loose woman #2 proclaimed:

“All men are pigs”

Jacob, gullible and keen to impress his superiors, took this statement literally. He convinced himself, his 89 Twitter followers and peers that all men were living a lie. And that their true home was in a pig pen, where all life must have started he reckoned.

By the end of the day PETA had begun, what is now known as ‘The Two Year Hay Bale Massacre’. In which millions of British males were rounded up by PETA and incarcerated in barns, forced at gun point to thrash in sodden Devonshire mud to serve the good of their country and preserve national identity.

PETA publicly apologised for this on their website some years later. As well as being forced to appear for a half-day in court, promising that next time an idea came up they would ‘Not react on genocidal instincts alone’ and would have at least one meeting with a break in the middle.

*Bugged Booth! Not to be confused with a similar titled late night Catholic Camera show that was deemed ‘un human’ and ‘a bit samey’ by Total Magazine

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