Banter, Flannel-Frolics and Yards of Bleach – The Invention of the ‘Lad’
As everyone knows, the term ‘Lad’ stands for Loud And (therefore) Depressed. For centuries, little has been known unto the origin of this mythical creature. Until now.
Welsh scientist Llyn Granger, who accidentally came across it whilst developing a cure for Mormonism, first noticed the ‘Lad’ particle in 1994. Llyn noticed that during one of her little experiments some of the particles started to act in a way that she could only describe as ‘undeservingly arrogant’. Llyn, sensing danger, rushed to her mini-fridge to get a cap for the test tube, but despite her well-gripped shoes and excellent bearings, she was too late – and within minutes the virus was airborne.
“Nothing really happens to me, so this is dead easy to recall. I was observing the Lad particle, and then before I knew it, it had left the tube and appeared to be waltzing into neighbouring experiments and, from what I could tell, goading other samples to ‘drink in 5,4,3,2,1’ because the other sample was ‘their mate’. I was gob smacked, but also fiercely jealous. The sample looked so easily amused, and I actively wondered… what if I could place it into a human body and give mankind the same experience?”
That night, with the thought still ringing in her head like an idea phone on loud, Llyn ran back to her poorly kept house and started plotting a plan which was to change the world as we know it.
“I knew that the virus needed a host body that would receive it well. Someone lost, weak and scared, whom the virus could take over with little resistance from their immune system. I figured a 1st year Uni Student would be the perfect candidate.”
The next evening, Lyln invited her 18 year old neighbour, Charlie, round her house for a game of Twister © and a Bowl-a-soup ©. Confused and slightly aroused ©, Charlie entered the house not knowing the horrors he was about to ingest and induce.
Llyn dim-wittingly recalls:
“I put a Bowl-a-soup on the hob and waited for it to reach boiling point. Charlie was sat in the living room flicking through my old TV guides and circling programs he wished he’d watched. I dropped 5mg of the virus into his bowl, and served it to him with a smile. I felt worse about the smile than the virus, because he could see the smile but not the virus”
“Charlie drank or I guess… ate? the Bowl-a-Soup. Within minutes he started to feel queasy. His curly hair began to malt like a sick Labrador, and sharp strands started to appear from his scalp, flicking into a spiky and casually thought out style. The band on his T-Shirt started to fade, and his collar became stretched down to his chest, creating the largest V-neck since records began. A pocket that had no depth also appeared on the left hand corner of his shirt, with a button that didn’t unbutton. I knew then that I’d created a monster”
“He ran straight to the kitchen and smelted down all of my silverware to make a yard-sized cup. He poured all of my drinks, medicine and bleach into it and called it a ‘dirty pint’. It wasn’t dirty, it was poison!” Llyn somewhat laughs.
“I think the virus might be related to ADD, because before he’d even finished his first swig he dropped the yard cup and bolted out the house. Apparently he was seen grabbing any young athletic male of the street and taking them back to his for a ‘shower initiation’. I could hear him from next door shouting loudly about all the women he’d slept with whilst leapfrogging over his buddy in the shower to whip his other friend with a flannel”
After 5 hours of friendly flannel flirtation to the beat of pounding dubstep, the police were called, and Charlie was put to bed. When he awoke the next morning he sensed a strange shift in his personality and body. Charlie, now unable to speak his mother tongue, found himself getting continuously flustered yet proud for referring to conversation as ‘banter’, women as ‘slags’ and all of his friends as ‘Zulu Warriors’ despite none of them ever setting foot on a battlefield.
Much to Llyns regret, due to the overwhelming amount of male ‘Lad’ contact, the virus had now spread around the country, and in 1994 had taken a hold of 48% of the 17 year old demographic. To this day, Llyn is still struggling to erase her past. But with the NHS continuously rejecting Llyns pleading Tweets for help, only time will tell how long it will be before there is any hope of a cure to this life threatening odorous disease ©.